She’s left us

I’m late to express my feelings on the loss of Hollie Stevens, but words could not and still don’t encompass what’s inside my heart.

I’ve tried several times since July 3rd, 2012 to write about the passing of my friend Hollie.  However each time I’d get stuck because  already that sounds wrong- Hollie was more than a friend, she’d become my sister in spirit.  Over the last year and a half of her battle against cancer, a small family of choice grew from her struggle as we each gave all we could to help support her through her painful and heart breaking journey.

Ultimately, I believe each of us  has gained far more from her presence in our lives, and the presence of  her amazing collection of friends that embraced each other, than we could have ever given back to her, even if her time here hadn’t been cut so incredibly, unfairly, short.

The following is from her obituary:

Hollie Stevens, best known as “The Queen of Clown Porn” died on Tuesday, July 3, 2012 in San Francisco. She fell asleep peacefully while holding the hand of her husband, comedian and artist, Eric Cash.

 

Debuting in 2000 as feature dancer, “Holly Wood,” she traveled across the U.S. performing to packed houses. She was nominated for an AVN in 2004 for Best Group Sex Scene, (The Bachleor) and won the AVN award in 2004 for Best All-Girl Scene (The Violation of Jessica Darlin). Hollie performed in over 170 titles as well as being featured on kink.com, DungeonCorp.com, hogtied.com, chantasbitches.com, The Howard Stern Show, performing at the Lusty Lady, and more.

An accomplished painter with works hanging in the Hyena Gallery in Burbank, Hollie was also a long-time writer and model for Girls and Corpses magazine, a DJ, live visual manipulator, performance artist, kickboxing champion, and an extraordinary wife and friend. In a recent conversation, she shared that the things she would want to be remembered for is that she loved being a wife and friend more than anything.

Hollie was diagnosed in March, 2011 with Stage 3, Metastatic Breast Cancer. Within a year, it had spread to her bone, rib, liver, and brain. After an outpouring of support from a fundraising effort facilitated by her family of friends which raised $16,000 she said, “I cannot believe how many people care, how good my fans are, and how much complete strangers have helped me. This is unreal. Not everyone hates clowns after all!”

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to The San Francisco Shanti Project or the American Cancer Society.  ’

Hollie was in many ways very similar to my own real sister, which is part of why I instinctively felt protective of her when she told me she had found a mass during a visit to LA when she was staying with me as a houseguest.  While we had known each other for several years casually, we both had worked at different strip clubs in San Francisco when I first had met her around 2004, and we shared a large collection of mutual friends, it was only just prior to the night she told me about her concerns about potential breast cancer that our friendship had finally started to blossom to more than just casual drinking buddies.

The last 15 months of friendship with Hollie were one of the greatest gifts I could have been given.  I’m complicated, my personal life is complicated and often messy, and yet Hollie never judged me, and always just accepted me as I am.  This past year was really difficult for me for various reasons, but it made me appreciate the friends I have who don’t judge, and actually embrace who I am, complete with my flaws.   Hollie not only embraced me, she loved me at times when I needed it most.   Also, she knew about my personal medical fetish, and would smuggle small medical supplies and even a hospital smock out of the hospital from time to time as a gift to me.  :-)  I know it’s wrong, but if SF General really wants the smock back, I won’t give it to them, as it’s a bittersweet reminder of some really great moments between us.

It’s funny, I had never actually seen a Hollie Stevens adult video until a few nights ago.   She was a great performer, but that just isn’t how I related to her, or will relate to her memory.  To me, she will always be Hollie, the fiercely brave and often stubborn girl who not only lacked the sense of entitlement that many  in our industry take on, but who was truly a beautiful mix of self confidence, and humility.

What I will miss most about Hollie is her laughter and her often slightly (ok often more than slightly) twisted sense of humor.   Hollie had the ability to just say things that would either be horribly offensive or terribly unsettling if someone else were to say the exact same words.  Her wry delivery followed with a quick smirk or huge grin let her get away with her often eccentric views and opinions.  And it was those quirks (like knowing way too much about Furries)  and peculiar affinities (like her love of the show Toddlers and Tiaras) that made her that much more loveable.

Eric coming into her life in the way that he did at the time that he did was something that made my icy heart believe in love stories again.   Watching their love story unfold this year softened a part of me.  I’m not the only one.  Hollie and Eric made lots of people believe in love stories again.  And almost right after they were married,  Eric did one of the hardest imaginable tasks by doing right by his new wife until her last breath.  Taking her home from the hospital so that she could die at home as she said she wanted to was an impossible undertaking, and yet he gave her the kind of ending that she wanted, with dignity and privacy.

I know that Hollie knew she was loved, but I don’t think she or anyone realized exactly how many lives she had touched until she was gone.  The outpouring of emotion, love and grief from the many, many people who knew or knew of her and loved her has truly been a testament to the person she was.   For me, I’ve enjoyed the pictures, videos and stories that people have been posting to her Facebook page, and the friends who have reached out privately to connect and share their feelings about her and her untimely death, as I feel like if I’m still learning new things about her.  It’s as if she’s still alive and hasn’t left.  I can almost hear her laughter at times.   That is a feeling that I am reluctant to let go of, because the absence that exists in place of  Hollie is too big.   So I plan on keeping Hollie close to my heart, and her memory vividly alive,  so that she’s never truly gone.

I miss and love you friend, and sister of choice.   Thank you for the gift of your friendship.  I will never forget you.

With Loving Memories,  January

 

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Girls Love Sex

Sexart.com January Seraph

Recently, my friend Kayla Jane Danger asked me if I would come in and talk about my personal sex life and proclivities for a series she was working on, called Girls Love Sex, which was originally produced by Zalman King.

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Of course I said “yes”, I was more than delighted to be included in the group of truly intriguing women that are featured on SexArt.com, and even more excited to get to work for Kayla, as she’s one of my favorite ladies in LA.

Zalman King was the producer of The Red Shoe Diaries, an erotic series that was on cable TV in the 90′s. The Red Shoe Diaries happen to be the first videos that I ever masturbated to when I was in highschool. They helped frame my erotic views on life.

Sadly, Mr King passed away this year. Kayla wrote a moving post on her Tumblr, saying farewell to the inspirational director and producer. I’m sad I never got the chance to meet him, or say thank you for opening up my view of the erotic at the time in my life when he did.

The segment consists of an interview, during which I divulge some really personal experiences and views, and then a sexy strip tease before I share a private moment of personal pleasure ;-) You should check it out, it’s a really intimate look into my personal sex life..




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Wanderlust

Six months ago, my personal life shattered into a million pieces. Thankfully, there hasn’t been much spillover into My work as a Dominatrix.

I keep trying to put it (my personal life) back together, but some of the pieces have changed, and some just don’t fit anymore. I’ve tried different people, different familiar places, but nothing feels right. It’s left me with this constant feeling of homelessness, even though I’m far from homeless. None of the places I’ve been spending time at really feel like home, so I haven’t spent more than a couple of weeks at a time in any given place. I’m restless, not to leave home, but to find one. But everywhere I’ve tried to carve a space for myself has ultimately felt forced, or uneasy.

Overall though, I’m not unhappy, as long as I don’t dwell on the feeling of being displaced, and disconnected.

Rather than continue to try to force that which isn’t working, I’m thinking maybe I should embrace the fact that really nothing and no one is tying me down to anywhere anymore. I’ve never had fewer responsibilities or obligations in my life prior to right now, and rather than lament what I thought my life should look like at my age, perhaps I should be seeing this as an opportunity to continue to live a life less ordinary.

I’m working on relaunching JanuarySeraph.com, and want that to be in place before I go anywhere long term, or make any serious changes in the way I’m doing things currently.
I’m also suing someone, and need that to come to a resolution with that, and possibly sublet some commercial space, before I can really go anywhere.
I’d thought my next move would be to start producing for Cunts.com, but that requires a certain amount of commitment to a shooting schedule, and a studio. Maybe that can wait…

I’m thinking of going to Europe for awhile. A sort of extended “Dominatrix Walkabout in Europe”.

One of the wonderful things about being a Dominatrix, is: “Have whips, will travel”. That is, I can work in most somewhat liberal urban areas of the world. And, video equipment isn’t too hard to pack along. ;-)

There are a ton of fetish parties, events, and destinations that I have always wanted to go to, see, and experience. There are tons of other kinky pervs in the world I have yet to meet. There are a handful of photographers and producers that I already know I would love to shoot for, and I’m sure there are tons more that aren’t on my radar yet.

Some of my most meaningful life experiences have involved kink. Some of my best periods of personal growth have occurred when I’ve gone traveling on my own. I’m hoping if I extract myself from what’s normal and familiar that it will provide a catalyst for some internal change. I’m grappling with my own lack of a higher power, and how it seems to render everything meaningless at some point for me. Maybe through traveling and experiencing travel through a kinky lens I’ll regain a sense of connection that seems to have been missing from my life in the year or so. And then I’ll be able to connect with where “home” should be.

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Gifts

I’m often asked what sort of Gift would make Me smile :-)

Right now, it isn’t latex, pretty girls, clothes or high heels.

What would earn a special smile from Me is if you help support My friend Hollie Stevens in her battle against cancer by donating here: http://www.giveforward.com/holliestevens

“Join us in showing love & support to Hollie Stevens as she battles breast, bone and liver cancer.

In August of 2011, Hollie underwent a mastectomy.

On December 6th, she was told the cancer has spread to her bone. Two weeks ago, another diagnosis – cancer has been found in her liver as well as several new tumors being discovered on and near her initial surgical site.

Hollie will be re-entering chemotherapy and radiation for 6 weeks beginning February 27th. Due to her new prognosis and pre-existing cancer, now, more than ever, we need your help.

We are asking you to give what you can, to forward and post this link and send messages of love & support. We are not posting Hollie’s Amazon wish list – this has taken priority, by her request.

Thank you in advance for giving and for showing Hollie that actions speak louder than words.

http://www.giveforward.com/holliestevens

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From Chopperdaves Loud Fast Rules

Like nudity and motorcycle shops?  Me too…

Sometimes my friend Chopper Dave takes pics of me on random evenings…

For more check out his blog

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Greetings Fellow Pervs!

As Indian Summer in San Francisco is in full swing, I find myself wondering where the time went!

Well, there was that concussion (which I’ve finally gotten over entirely), then there was some fundraising for my friend Hollie Stevens, who’s undergoing a brave battle with breast cancer, then a war against the people behind PornWikiLeaks.com, which later prompted me to cofound a non profit, http://AdultPerformers.org with fellow adult industry veteran Nica Noelle, as sexy shoot for Kink.com’s Divine Bitches and then I did the adult webmaster’s tour of Europe, stopping through Amsterdam, Prague, and London. Then NY, LA, Fort Lauderdale… and I’m finally home in SF :-) If you’re interested in any of those stories, they can be found on JanuarySeraph.com/blog or on the blog here, over the past six months.

I’ve added a new feature to MistressJanuary.com, which is a public calendar which specifies which cities I’m available in, and when.

Right now there are so many wonderful Dominant women that I’m enjoying including in my escapades, that I’m working on starting a very twisted sorority of sorts… The League Of Unreasonable B*tches :-) But for now, I’ll just tell you briefly who they are, and keep you guessing until The League has been officially announced ;-)

To read more, visit MistressJanuary.com …..

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Reposted from Cunts.com

Originally I wrote the now deleted post when I was seriously disappointed and angered by the FSC’s polite, yet very distinct brush off of my request for them to take a more active role in protecting adult performers from the attacks that came from or were related to PornWikiLeaks, and what I perceived to be a true lack of concern for adult performers.

In retrospect, I’m actually glad that they clarified their stance on being a trade association that represents the interests of the stakeholders in the adult industry. I’m also grateful that they’ve encouraged myself or others to form our own group for stakeholders in the adult performer community.

I still don’t believe that the false segmentation our industry has constructed needs to exist, like the notion that you’re either on the adult producer side of things, or on the adult performer side of things. However, if that’s going to be the general consensus, so be it.

People who work in or around various facets of the adult industry all face persecution and judgement on some level, the degrees of intensity or frequency do vary, but it’s relevant for all of us. I’ve heard of sales clerks at adult novelty shops being discriminated against during child custody battles just because of where they work.

I’ve heard of CEO’s of large adult companies having their personal character called into question when being considered for the board of a non profit they truly believed in. Producers and agents are called pimps, and worse, and adult performers are called whores, hookers, and a myriad of other offensive terms. And the discrimination we face constantly isn’t limited to mere personal insults that may or may not hurt our feelings.

These judgements and discriminations affect our ability to secure financing for our business ventures, exclude us from being able to obtain some housing options if we’re honest about what we do, and can prevent us from transitioning out of adult into mainstream jobs if the employer catches wind of our true employment history. Our access to healthcare or proper consideration in legal matters is often affected as well.

I truly believe that in order for our industry to recover from some of what ails it, there needs to be a different viewpoint adopted by all, and that is that we are all in this together, and shouldn’t create lines of division that weaken us a whole.
-JS

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Hollie Stevens

I just left SF General. Hollie Stevens and I arrived at 6:56am, and met Laura Lasky of Solace SF so we could both walk Hollie into the hospital for her mastectomy. After being in limbo about the future of her body for several months as she underwent chemotherapy for the cancerous tumor in her left breast, a more complete treatment plan was decided last week after she finished her last round of chemo.

* A full mastectomy on her left breast, and a biopsy of her lymph nodes in her left armpit.

* About one month to heal from the surgery.

* Then 5 weeks of radiation for five minutes a day, five days a week.

* Next a bit of time to recover from the radiation.

* Then the reconstruction process will begin..

Last night I was constructing my private journal entry that would basically have been a pity party.. My frustrations with things related to my concussion that still linger, like an inability to multitask, or follow email threads more than two deep, that my first session with a new client in over 5 months felt..awkward, but then again I feel awkward in the world since my head was hit.. People are upset with me because they think I’m blowing them off, I’m not tracking days or time like I think I remember I used to..blah blah blah…

And then I came into Hollies hotel room to spend the night with her so we could go to the hospital together in the morning for her mastectomy. She was already asleep. I sat and watched her sleep for awhile, not in any creepy sort of way, but just sort of pondering her as a person. And I felt really foolish.

In the bed next to mine was this girl, this girl I’d met years ago in SF. A girl who I’ve shared tons of mutual friends with, but until last year had never gotten that close with. A girl that honestly irked me the first few times I met her, with her carefree attitude and self confidence that let her say things to people that I wouldn’t have dared to say back then and do things that I would never be comfortable doing (like the Girls and Corpses Magazine, or doing clown porn). For someone who’s a bit rigid (me), I viewed our differences in personality as the only deciding factor to never really pursue a closer friendship with her.

But ever since Mandy Mitchell and Hollie came to stay with me in LA almost a year ago, I’ve been getting to know a lot more about Hollie. And it turns out those differences in personality, aren’t things that I should try to avoid, they are characteristics I should strive to attain.

As I watched her snuggled under the blankets sleeping soundly, with only her bald head exposed to the air, my thoughts wandered.

I went back to think about my thought process about deciding to try to help Hollie through her battle against cancer.

When Mandy and Hollie were my houseguests, she’d casually mentioned having a lump in her breast that she needed to get checked out. I didn’t think much of it, until I head a few weeks later that she had breast cancer.

The day that I heard Hollie’s diagnoses, my mind immediately went back to when my mother had breast cancer in my early twenties. I remembered being so overwhelmed with a premature and misplaced grieving for the loss of my mom (she lived) that I was essentially a burden to have around. I was also heavily drinking during that time of my life, and lacked the ability to center myself or have any sort of perspective. Basically, because of my own self imposed handicaps, and that I love my mother very much, I failed at being a support to her, because I was unable to take myself out of the situation, I could only think about my feelings and how I would feel if she died. To this day, I regret that, and am amazed my mom never held it against me.

So as I sat there last night looking at Hollie, pondering her strength and fierce independent nature, a lot of other feelings and thoughts went through my mind.

Retrospectively, I had very strange reasoning to want to help Hollie. Because we had never really been that close, I thought that would make the experience of helping her feel “safe” for me somehow. Generally, if I don’t connect on a deeper level with someone fairly quickly, I really never do. So while I really respected, liked and appreciated Hollie with all of her wonderful and sometimes quirky characteristics, I thought I’d be able to do this without becoming too heavily emotionally invested.

Sometimes, I am amazed at my ability to deceive myself. Because over the last few months, that has proven to be anything but true. I am deeply emotionally invested now, which I’ve only really been honest with myself about over the last few days.

As I’ve watched Hollie gracefully navigate breast cancer, chemo, and today her mastectomy, I’ve also become more aware of her strengths, and beauty as a person.

Hollie’s ability to forgive the failings of the people around her who should be more supportive or present is incredible. I include myself in that group, as I have always been habitually late or forgetful, and much more so since my concussion. The day that I forgot to check to see if the diesel truck I was driving had fuel, and was driving her home from chemo comes to mind.. I couldn’t find a gas station that had diesel, and we ended up running out of gas in the middle of a small intersection in Cole Valley, about 1/4 mile from her house. Total FAIL on my part, I was mortified. She laughed about it. She actually wanted to help me push the two ton truck out of the middle of the intersection. Luckily some nice guys walking by helped us. Then not one, not two, but THREE tow trucks in a row showed up, and each of their diesel cans was empty, even though they’d been called out specifically to assist in the diesel debacle. I kept offering to get her a cab and send her home, but she hung out and was (I think) amused at the whole thing.

Mandy recently filled me in on the fact that apparently one day a month or so ago, I told Hollie I would cook her dinner, met her at Kink in the afternoon, dragged her through the Mission looking at stores, had a half of a cocktail at a late lunch which for some reason made me retardedly tipsy, then went home and went to bed. I still don’t remember saying I’d cook dinner, I rarely cook, so that was probably my bruised brain speaking. She never brought it up, but I’m glad Mandy did so I could apologize.

Hollie doesn’t act entitled, like the world owes her anything. It’s actually so incredibly refreshing to be around, and is a part of her magnetic charisma. Her ability to laugh and find the humor in situations that are anything but humorous to most sometimes makes me a bit uncomfortable, and other times make me want to adapt that behavior more in my own life, as I tend to get tunnel vision and lose perspective….

Later on the same day

I finally cried about this today. In fact, it’s been hard to stop now that it’s started. It’s not bad, it’s just a release of pent up feelings and anxiety over her surgery today, and my concern about what the next six months holds for her. I haven’t been sleeping well up until today, and after she came out ok, I was able to really sleep for a few hours. I woke up to an email that an anonymous person donated $1,000 to Hollie’s fund. And that’s when the tears started, because I am so thankful and grateful to every single person who is helping Hollie through her journey, either with financial contributions, or words of encouragement, and anything else.

I often only see the disgusting side of human nature, so when I’m reminded that people have the potential for so much good in them, it’s a bit overwhelming.

Thank you Hollie for being in my life. And thank you to everyone else who is a part of her healing process.

-JS

http://giveforward.com/holliestevensv2
http://holliestevensblog.com

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Latex Porn

Sometimes, fans show me where my promo content ends up on the internet, thinking it’s an unauthorized use or an instance of piracy. I’m super thankful that they’re looking out for me, but a lot of times, it’s just an affiliate marketer making good use of the promo materials I make available promoting JanuarySeraph.com as the Queen of Latex Porn so they can get more people to join my site :-)  That makes me happy.

But I think this  page in particular is really well done, so I wanted to share it.

Page courtesy of LatexAndPorn.com

January Seraph Latex Porn

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